What Could Have Been
by closetCullen
Summary: This rather inauspicious beginning to my career in Twilight fanfiction is very much a parody. It DOES, unfortunately, make fun of Twilight, although for amusement purposes only. Read at your own risk, and if you hate it, BITE ME!


Author's note: My most sincere apologies in advance for this. It began as a facebook conversation, and evolved from there. I did my best to prevent it from escaping, but despite my best efforts it broke free and is now here, in all its unfortunate, rough, unedited glory. I hope it doesn't offend anyone, and I swear by my... erm, existence... that things I write subsequently will be far better than this, and certainly more serious. At any rate, here it is: an utterly absurd and rather random parody of all four Twilight books, mercifully only two pages or WORD long. I leave you to read at you own risk, and hope that its silliness amuses rather than outrages.

=( closetCullen

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**ACT I: HIGHLIGHT**

TEACHER: Mr. Cullen, where is your homework?

EDWARD: (_Twirls highlighter in fingers.) _A dog ate it.

TEACHER: Oh, please. You can't expect me to believe _that._

EDWARD: No, really, a dog did eat it. But I must take full responsibility for my lab partner. _I'm _the one who ate _her._

TEACHER: You… WHAT?

EDWARD: (_Calmly_) I ate my lab partner. By accident, of course.

TEACHER: You… you…

EDWARD: She was good, though.

(TEACHER _frantically calls police._) I… I need to report an incident of cannibalism!

EDWARD: Cannibalism? No, no, no. I'm not a cannibal, I'm a VAMPIRE. Get it right, please.

(_As a result of this indecent exposure, the _CULLEN _family is forced to relocate to the town of KNIVES. And because _BELLA _was dead, everyone lived happily ever after, except for the vampires, who couldn't because they were already dead. So they just "existed" happily ever after. Except for _EDWARD, _as will be seen.)_

_(End of _ACT I)

**ACT II: NO MOON**

_(In mourning for Bella, Jacob Black becomes a werewolf and howls at the moon, causing it to fall out of the sky. Edward comes to LA PUSH to find out what all the trouble is about.)_

EDWARD: What _is_ that awful noise?

JACOB: (_Phases to human form)_ Grrr! I'm a werewolf and I hate you! _(_JACOB_ proceeds to phase back to wolf form, takes _EDWARD_ by surprise, and LA PUSHes him off a cliff. Five minutes later, _EDWARD_ reappears at the top of the cliff, looking puzzled.)_

EDWARD: _(Calmly)_ What was that for?

JACOB: (_Phases to human form again)_ Come on, dude, I was trying to kill you! Would you please cooperate and die? I mean, work with me here, people!

EDWARD: Sorry. As much as I'd love to, I can't die. I can, however climb, which is why I am now on top of the cliff and not at the bottom anymore.

JACOB: Wait, what?

EDWARD: No, wait, that was lame and retarded. Never mind then. Actually, I even have no idea what I just said. Sayonara! (EDWARD _exits.)_

(_End of _ACT II)

**ACT III: ELLIPSIS**

**…**

(_End of _ACT III)

**ACT IV: BREAKING DOWN**

(JACOB _is a wolf and is howling again. _EDWARD _appears, holding his immortal hands over his immortal ears.)_

EDWARD: Will someone PLEASE shut that infernal wolf up!

ALICE: Why don't you just kill him? I mean, vampires and werewolves ARE like, mortal enemies.

EDWARD: But that would make me a KILLER! I DON'T WANNA BE A KILLER! (_Panics_) Wait! Oh, no! I already am! (_Breaks down screaming and crying and kicking and pounding on the grass)_

ALICE: Whatever. I'm going shopping. (ALICE_ exits)._

JACOB: (_Phases to human form)_ I'm with her dude. Meaning, outta here. 'Cause you're really weird.

EDWARD: Drat, what's that one quote again? 'Friends, Romans, countrymen – lend me your ears?' No, that's not quite the one… although, actually, that sounds kind of good right now. Well, not the ears themselves, really just the blood you get from taking them off… I'm thirsty. I think I'll go hunting. Except I haven't got my gun… wait! I don't need no stinkin' GUN! YAY!!! _(Runs into tree; tree falls over)_ I am insane with anger! Or with SOMETHING, anyway! (_Exits skipping off through the woods.)_

_(So, it appears _EDWARD_ lives happily ever after after all. It's just that his "happy" is… well… different…)_

_(Well, enough of that foolishness. End of _ACT IV,_ and not a moment too soon!)_

FINI


End file.
